Agreeing With Fascists

my inner monlogue is frighteningly MAGA

I’ve been depressed lately. In this state, there is a constant voice screaming at me in my head: “You didn’t have children, you don’t have a book yet, you’re too old, it’s too late, there’s nothing left for you, why didn’t you BEHAVE BETTER when you mattered, when you were something more than a washed up piece of witch garbage?”

What in the actual conservative Christian hell?

In letting these thoughts do cartwheels in my mind, aren’t I agreeing with the worst people in our society?

Yes. The answer is yes, I am.

Somewhere inside me lives a Manosphere that I am supporting and nurturing when I let these thoughts dictate how my day, week, month, year, life will go.

I need to knock it off.

I’m not advocating for bootstrapping or pushing through or blaming myself. I am advocating for slowing down, catching these thoughts as they come flying at me, and tossing them into the flaming dumpster from whence they came. Can I do it?

Yes, yes I can.

Will it be hard? Yup.

Will I have to rest or take a walk or look at a dumb cat video instead of constantly producing to feel like I exist? Will I have to settle for frequent, imperfect posts, sentences, and paragraphs instead of revising and surveilling every single thing I put down on paper to make sure no one thinks I’m a dumb bitch? Yes to all.

Will I have to sometimes hit send or post before the twelve apostles stomping all over my mind give me permission? I sure will, friends!

Will I sometimes say, nope, not posting this or sending this or submitting this because I want to give it the time and attention it needs and deserves? Yes, that too. Do I trust myself to know the difference? I sure do.

SEND! POST!

Happy to report back in a few weeks if you want to know how it’s going.

Love,

Amy